It's time.

I need to talk about it. Ug.  For months I've struggled with the idea of putting such personal and sensitive details on a public blog.  I'd like to say that I'm doing it because maybe it will help someone... but really, I need to do it for myself.  This weekend, I had the opportunity to listen to and watch General Conference.  There was two talks that really seemed to speak directly to me.  One was from Jean A. Stevens of the Primary Presidency from the Saturday morning session, which was amazing; the other was from Sunday afternoon.  Elder C. Scott Grow of the Seventy shared a very personal story about his younger brother and the Savior's atonement.  The part that caught me was:

"Through his atonement, he heals not only the transgressor, he also heals the innocent who suffer because of those transgressions.  As the innocent exercise faith, in the Savior, and in his atonement, and forgive the transgressor, they too can be healed."

First.  I don't classify myself as "innocent" by any means.  I have made many, many mistakes and continue to be imperfect.  However; at the end of my marriage, I was the one left needing to forgive.  


Kendall and I were sealed in the temple.  As part of the process of applying to have our sealing cancelled, I had to write a letter detailing the reasons our marriage ended in divorce.  It should have been a simple, straight forward letter to write.  I had specific things I had to include and it was spelled out for me in the application directions.  


It took me two months to write my 1.5 page letter.   Here is an excerpt:

It is uncomfortable for me to detail the specific reasons for the divorce between my formal spouse and I.  The reasons were abuse and adultery committed by my former spouse, followed by him being arrested for five felony charges.  There was emotional, verbal, and physical abuse inflicted upon myself by my former spouse throughout the duration of our marriage.  My former spouse entered into a relationship outside of our marriage with another woman beginning in March 2010.  He moved out in May 2010 and moved in with the other woman.   I did not know that he was in the relationship or living with another woman and continued to see him and spend time with him with the hope that we could reconcile.   Through the encouragement of my bishop at the time, I began going to a counselor, which my former spouse did attend once.  During the months following, he created craigslist ads soliciting sexual acts.  I was unaware of this behavior until August 2010.   Between May 2010 and July 2010, my former spouse embezzled 140,000 from his former employer.  My former spouse was arrested and charged in October 2010, at the courthouse, the day we filed for divorce.   Ending my marriage was the most horrible and difficult decision that I had to make in order to protect myself and our daughter and it was not made without the guidance of trusted priesthood leaders and counseling with the Lord.   I am also far from blameless for the conditions of my marriage; but I do know that it was no longer safe or healthy for the marriage to continue.

So there it is... the simplified version.   He was sentenced in January, and remains in prison.  There are many more awful details that I don't feel is necessary to put on here.  I metaphorically put it all in a box and handed it over to the Lord because that is all I could do with it.  Now, the Lord has given me the strength to take it back, file it in the "What I've learned from life" and move on.

I forgive him.

Not because what he did is ok with me now, or because I trust him again, or because he deserves it.  What he did to me, to his family, and to his innocent daughter will never be "okay."

I forgive him.

I forgive him.


Now he can never control me again.  Letting go of the bitterness and the spite and the anger feels so good.  You should try it if you've got it stored up.