5.5 Years :)

Since my last post was Mady at 3.5 years,  I thought it was fitting that today's post she's 5.5 years old.
(One of me squeezed in the middle, holding my newest niece) The cute little boy is Nolan

3.5 years!

May :)

I think Mady might love Lake as much as I do :) Mostly because he has puzzles...

My boss got me this sweet lunch bag for my birthday :) 

My work had a roadside clean up day 

So.... most amazing flip flops ever.. so soft and comfortable.. you can't tell from the pic but those are rhinestones hehe

This is my dad Aaron and Mady on Mother's day

Lake being great with Mady.. as usual.

Mady took this picture of me in the car! 

Mady at the beach!  Yep we have a sweet beach.

This was this Sunday... I LOVE them.  They're so cute!

Sariah and Mady

Mady's Grandma... "Ninna" Jenny

Breast Cancer sucks, but she makes it work ;)

It's time.

I need to talk about it. Ug.  For months I've struggled with the idea of putting such personal and sensitive details on a public blog.  I'd like to say that I'm doing it because maybe it will help someone... but really, I need to do it for myself.  This weekend, I had the opportunity to listen to and watch General Conference.  There was two talks that really seemed to speak directly to me.  One was from Jean A. Stevens of the Primary Presidency from the Saturday morning session, which was amazing; the other was from Sunday afternoon.  Elder C. Scott Grow of the Seventy shared a very personal story about his younger brother and the Savior's atonement.  The part that caught me was:

"Through his atonement, he heals not only the transgressor, he also heals the innocent who suffer because of those transgressions.  As the innocent exercise faith, in the Savior, and in his atonement, and forgive the transgressor, they too can be healed."

First.  I don't classify myself as "innocent" by any means.  I have made many, many mistakes and continue to be imperfect.  However; at the end of my marriage, I was the one left needing to forgive.  


Kendall and I were sealed in the temple.  As part of the process of applying to have our sealing cancelled, I had to write a letter detailing the reasons our marriage ended in divorce.  It should have been a simple, straight forward letter to write.  I had specific things I had to include and it was spelled out for me in the application directions.  


It took me two months to write my 1.5 page letter.   Here is an excerpt:

It is uncomfortable for me to detail the specific reasons for the divorce between my formal spouse and I.  The reasons were abuse and adultery committed by my former spouse, followed by him being arrested for five felony charges.  There was emotional, verbal, and physical abuse inflicted upon myself by my former spouse throughout the duration of our marriage.  My former spouse entered into a relationship outside of our marriage with another woman beginning in March 2010.  He moved out in May 2010 and moved in with the other woman.   I did not know that he was in the relationship or living with another woman and continued to see him and spend time with him with the hope that we could reconcile.   Through the encouragement of my bishop at the time, I began going to a counselor, which my former spouse did attend once.  During the months following, he created craigslist ads soliciting sexual acts.  I was unaware of this behavior until August 2010.   Between May 2010 and July 2010, my former spouse embezzled 140,000 from his former employer.  My former spouse was arrested and charged in October 2010, at the courthouse, the day we filed for divorce.   Ending my marriage was the most horrible and difficult decision that I had to make in order to protect myself and our daughter and it was not made without the guidance of trusted priesthood leaders and counseling with the Lord.   I am also far from blameless for the conditions of my marriage; but I do know that it was no longer safe or healthy for the marriage to continue.

So there it is... the simplified version.   He was sentenced in January, and remains in prison.  There are many more awful details that I don't feel is necessary to put on here.  I metaphorically put it all in a box and handed it over to the Lord because that is all I could do with it.  Now, the Lord has given me the strength to take it back, file it in the "What I've learned from life" and move on.

I forgive him.

Not because what he did is ok with me now, or because I trust him again, or because he deserves it.  What he did to me, to his family, and to his innocent daughter will never be "okay."

I forgive him.

I forgive him.


Now he can never control me again.  Letting go of the bitterness and the spite and the anger feels so good.  You should try it if you've got it stored up.

3/30 . . .

4 years ago today I did not expect to be where I'm at....at all.

BUT


I am so glad I am.


So instead of spending this night feeling sorry for myself because today would have been my 4th wedding anniversary, I want to list the great things about my life now (in no particular order):


1.  I live in a place that some people can only dream of visiting.  I was born and raised here in Alaska, but still have the feeling of awe sometimes when I drive to work.


2.  I have family and friends that love and support me. 


3.  Speaking of work, I have a GREAT job that I enjoy.


4.  I have a running vehicle that, despite being a small car, has handled the winter up here just fine, and the good gas mileage is saving me right now.


5.  I have a beautiful daughter who is continuing to learn, growing healthy, and teaches me so much about myself and love and happiness.


6.  I know I am a daughter of God.  I know my Heavenly Father is so mindful of me and my needs and is always there for me.  


7.  I have learned to love myself.  Although I am still working on this, for the first time in my life, I feel like I am worth something.


8.  Because I learned #7, I am now in a healthy relationship full of love and kindness.  I am having so much fun falling more and more in love.  


9.  I have kept Dolly's plant alive for one week now.  Here's to the next 17 months, 3 weeks.


10.  I have so much to look forward to and so much hope for my future!

Cousins!

Mady's cousins Clyde, Meghan, and Grace came up with Mady's Aunt Sharon for the last week.  They live in Kodiak.  Mady had sooooo much fun with them!  Here they are "fixing" the unicorns hair.

Dolly decided it was a good idea to add pink to her hair two days before leaving for her mission.  

My Mady girl has taken to crawling into bed with me in the morning.  This morning she insisted I need to take a picture.  

Last weekend the whole family went up to the Anchorage temple to go with Dolly.  I've never seen her look so beautiful, and it was such a special and wonderful experience.  It was also the first time I've made it to the temple since I moved up here AND the first time with Lake.  I think it might be the closest I've been to heaven ;)  I tried to get a picture of Lake but didn't sneak one before the tie came off. Mady stayed with Lake's parent's and little sister Sarah since the temple is 3 hours away.  Mady gets along with them so well and I really think they love her already.